Suicide

Its a Saturday night.

My watch shows 7:45 PM.

 

I am sitting at the roof of my hostel again. This time, with my mobile phone.

I pick it up and dial a known number.

A number I had dialed so many times before.

Phone rings on the other end. Someone picks up.

“hey…tell me.”

“where are you?”

“In the reading room.”

“call me back when you are done.”

I put the phone down.

 

I am drunk.

 

As usual.

 

Tonight is the night. I have to do it.

 

I sit there watching the stars go by, and the clouds drifting past the oft-white moon.

 

The darkness is upon me.

But I do not realize that yet.

 

8:20 PM.

 

I see a shadow walking through the dark door of the roof.

It is him.

 

“I need to talk to you about something”, I say.

“Can it wait? Dale’s wallet is still with me..she is waiting at the gates of the hostel. Lets talk after I give it back to her.”

“She came till here?!!”

I could not believe she had been with him all through the day.

 

The audacity of walking with him till here..Does she has no self-respect? No idea of what she is doing to me, or her, or him…

 

My mind is in a frenzy. I do not know what to say. I storm downstairs, walking towards the gate while he calls me from behind.

 

I am not listening.

I keep walking.

 

Words keep coming to my head, superimposed by another. I still havn’t made up my mind about what to say to her. But I have to..before I see her.

 

I see her standing at the gate talking to a security guard.

She is herself. The composed confident bitch that she is.

 

I walk to her, take her hand and start walking.

 

She trips and trops behind me as I try to take her somewhere we can talk.

Suddenly, I hear someone.

 

“hey, what is it about?”

I let go of her hand.

He is there.

 

Whenever I see him, I am rendered speechless..actionless.

 

I still remember his sorrowful tone and crying face when I had asked him to leave us alone.

“what is it?”

 

I look at her.

I just look at her.

Words evade me as I look on.

 

I try to muster up my thoughts and words gargle out of my throat.

“how could you do this to me…”, i tell her.

 

“Frankly speaking…I think you had lost the fight a long time ago.”

This voice was not hers.

It was his, who was standing beside him.

 

My brain goes in an overdrive.

My fists are clenched…I let them loose.

 

I slap her.

 

I slap her again.

 

I can see her face.

 

She is astonished..speechless.

 

She had not expected such a thing coming from me.

And then, I am hit by a hand.

 

It was him

On me.

 

He hits me again.

 

“tell him to go away…I do not want a scene here.”, I tell her.

She stands there speechless.

 

I lose my glasses..and my self respect.

I still do not hit him back.

 

How could I…he was the one whom I had thought would never cheat on me…

How could I..he was the one I had known would never let me done.

But he did.

 

And now, this.

 

I try to fight him, but he is far too strong.

She intervenes.

 

“let him go..”, she says.

” I…” Words evade me again, as tears roll out my eyes…

 

I do not know what I have become…

This is not what I wanted to be.

Then what went wrong..

 

“Go away..”, she tells him.

Some words were spoken between them. Some whispers went unheard.

 

She comes and starts walking with me…dragging me along with her

.

I am in tears. I keep calling out her name for reasons unknown.

“I can’t believe you did that to me…I really can’t…”

She stayed silent.

I had calmed down till then.

But I am still mad.

 

I clenched her hand, and was about to let go when he came back again.

 

“Fuck it man…quit following us! You had not left us alone since the last seven months!!”

He tries to explain but no one’s listening.

He leaves, but his presence had made me go delirious.

 

I fall down on the ground and stay there till I realize there is a motorbike coming from the other end.

 

“quit creating scenes…” she says, now almost in tears.

 

“I…I had always loved you, you know that ? I had not touched you till now, but after what happened yesterday, I really do not know what to do…I have lost you beyond return.”

She cries as I grope to her shirt and try to tear it open.

 

“WHY?!!”

 

“Because You wanted to…”

She screamed crying…

 

I let her go.

 

The glimpses of yesterday start coming back to me.

 

She standing there naked, with me and him in front of her naked.

She would suck my dick once, and then his.

And then, we both fucked her.

It was a bloody threesome.

 

And I wanted it.

 

I was so drunk and wasted, that for a moment, impulse had its way.

And I did it.

 

…and him..

I blamed him too..

Seven months we had been friends, me and him..

he was like my brother.

 

He would tell me stories and I would tell him my dreams.

He would tell me how to make them come true.

And yesterday, it did.

 

He told me..and I improvised

With the only love I had ever known.

 

And yes, my dream came true.

Yes, it did.

 

How could I…How did I…

And now, I was holding her responsible for everything wrong in my life.

 

Seeing her being with someone else had pained me so much that I could not imagine her with me again.

 

Tears kept rolling down my cheek as I saw her walk past me and towards the path which led to nowhere.

—–*—–

 

Its a Sunday morning.

 

My watch shows 4:30 AM.

 

I am standing on a stool in my room.

My system sings of the far off land in the voice of Robert Blunt.

 

I have a noose in front of my eyes.

The one which was used a long time back in a stage for theatrical reasons.

Now, I was about to bring the drama to real life.

 

I put it through my head on to my throat.

 

I wait.

I think of my mother.

 

I wait.

I think of my father.

 

I wait.

I think of my life.

 

I wait.

I think of her.

 

I don’t have to wait anymore

—–*—–

 

P.S: The thought of writing this came to me while watching an exxxtremely steamy video which some people call ‘classic pr0n’ and It has nothing to do with my private life.

Requiem

 

I have the strangest feeling today

The feeling of nothingness beneath my feet

The sight of oblivion in front of my eyes.

 

O Creator of these measly life forms,

The mother of all that is green and living

 

I ask from you today for what I have not till now

I ask of you

Life.

 

Life for the undead

Life for the unsaid

Life for the ones beyond,

And for the ones beneath

 

Fill those lungs with breath once more

Make them walk on this earth again

 

Thou shalt never be let down, I promise

 

These are the words …

 

…of the dying mortal.

Of thoughts and dreams…

The thoughts in your dreams

They never cry

Putting on the wings of imagination

They want to fly

And when daylight knocks on your window

They lock themselves away

As a twinkle in your eyes

They see the world and pry

—————-X—————-

Dreams

What are they

but a figment of our consciousness

They are what we want them to be

They show what we want to see

They tell the old story again

But make sure we don’t feel the same

The same face has a different smile

The same walk has a different style

Dreams

Same as ever

Made to be different.

—————-X—————-

An ode to a friend who says, “Ye sharer hamaara ghar hai…”

The Desert Cry

What is meant to be

Happens

 

We try to catch the sands in our palm

Clinching

 

Groping to what is not ours

Then, we see the grains hit the ground

Noiselessly

Effortlessly

 

Floating through the air they go

And like a pyramid they stay

And stare at you as if to say

 

See

Here are we

Free

 

Just as we were

There in your hands

 

Just as we will be

Anywhere else

 

The burning wisp tells a story

Of the moth who wanted to be a butterfly

But just as it burned itself into the glare

It saw as a last glimpse

 

a fleeting butterfly

 

Him.

Death

What does it take to Kill someone?

A bullet, a bomb, a dagger, or a smile..

Or rather..just a stare.

of justifications and clarifications

kya bura hai kya sahi

kya galat hai kya nahi

ab humein kuch pata nahi

ab humein kuch pata nahi….

I have been trying to write about my life in Bangalore for some time..and each time i started, I could not find words to describe it. The only words that i could come up with to sum it all are “wierd” or “strange” or some other word like that.

Two and a half months gone past and a few national holidays with it, and I am still strugginlg to understand the psyche of the people who inhabit this place.

I always wanted to have a clear distinction between what is right and wrong. I always maintained that life has to as simple and easy to contemplate as water flowing across a river bed. No matter what you place in its way, it will make its way through. But I realize now that it is one of the most difficult things to paint yourself with either black or white.

No matter what you do, or say can be termed as rigt or wrong.

Everythign has shades of grey in it. Even the white has grey as one of its constituents in it, if you look closely.

I had the oppertunity to choose yesterday. To choose between what I believed and what I desired.

My initial responce was something impulsive..something which anyone would do. I said yes.

But when the moment arrived, I realized that this is not what i wanted. Ever. I backed out.

I don’t know whether I would regret it or not later. But i do know that oppertunities like that would keep coming, and then I would have to choose again. and and i will.

The time of metamorphosis is close at hand. All I have to do is wait, and then play my cards right.

Revival

Life

Phoenix

There have been times when I have looked into the mirror and have not been able to recognize the face there.

There have been times when I look back at the past, and then think that I would never be able to smile again. And each time I have thought like this, I have smiled at myself.

Its strange.

Life.

I spent four years of my life in Kharagpur graduating with a Civil Engineering Degree.

A place which is supposed to have the strongest Alumni Base in the whole world.

And right now, I am staying with a school friend of mine, Spending my time talking to childhood friends, and hitting on a tuition mate while working for a department which has nothing to do with Civil Engineering.

And strangely, I am Happy.

A feeling made alien to me by those who were once close to me.

but now I know better.

Life has thrown me a challenge.

A riddle which I have to decipher for myself.

And I am etching to have a go at it.

I am ready.

—

Being born in a strange land

I open by eyes again

Looking into the sun,

I feel blinded again.

But a wave inside me tells me to rise

For I know there is a surprise

As the day calls without a disguise

And notihng can make me close my eyes.

I walk barefoot into the water in the front

I feel the eaves within and around

There is another world underneath

To the heaven I am bound.

He stopped loving him…today

He said I’ll love you ’til I die
She told him you’ll forget in time
As the years went slowly by
She still preyed upon his mind

He kept her picture on his wall
Went half crazy now and then
He still loved her through it all
Hoping she’d come back again

Kept some letters by his bed
Dated 1962
He had underlined in red
Every single I love you

I went to see him just today
Oh but I didn’t see no tears
All dressed up to go away
First time I’d seen him smile in years

He stopped loving her today
They placed a wreath upon his door
And soon they’ll carry him away
He stopped loving her today

You know she came to see him one last time
Oh and we all wondered if she would
And it kept running through my mind
This time he’s over her for good

-George Jones

The first time Flyer

A new beginning awaits on the other side.

I am soon to be airborne just to land in a different place, at a different time.

Where people are all different and strange. I will be asked to adjust to them, rather than ask them to get adjusted to me.

Some say change is the only thing constant in this world.

Maybe it is time for me to change.

Maybe it is time the dried up tree bore some new flowers.

Red ones this time.